you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My life is pants optional.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
