Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
