Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni