Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
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the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips