So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual