There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
