I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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