I just pynch a tree in the face
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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