I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
as a side note pls kill me
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
