And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
