the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
