Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she told me i tasted like america
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
