i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
