if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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