everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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