I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
