I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
