Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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