I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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