i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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