i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
