Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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