Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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