Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
