I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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