before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
