i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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