Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
