He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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