If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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