I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
