My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
