I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
