Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
