Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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