I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
