if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
