I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
