you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
