Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
