I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
