I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
