Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
BRING THE BAGELS
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
