I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
