she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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