I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
