I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
