i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
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You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
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I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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