i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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