you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
