There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
