Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
