I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
