hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
