So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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