u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
