He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
