she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
