I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Randomize
